I've always wondered why I am such a control freak. Anybody else have that problem? I think so many dramatic events happened to me as a child, and it left me with a feeling of insecurity. Now as an adult, I feel secure if I am in complete control over everything whether that be an organized house, finances, the health of my children, etc. I think we all know that we are not the one in control of a lot of things though.
Recently, our daughter started having some random pain in her right knee. I just thought she maybe tweaked it a little playing rough with her brothers or maybe even jumping on our trampoline. Little did I know, that first doctors visit would be the start of a roller coaster of events. Our first appointment found us going to the lab for some blood work then heading to x-ray for some images of the knee. Of course, the blood work came back fine, no infection, as did the x-ray, no breaks. We were told to give Stella ibuprofen, and call with any changes. Well, as the days went on Stella continued to wake up with pain in her leg, and even the inability to walk at times. Back to the clinic we went. More blood tests, this time for lymes disease, and also a trip to an orthopedic doctor. This new doctor said it definitely wasn't an injury, and she probably had lymes arthritis. We just had to wait for the test results to come back. Wouldn't you know after being treated with antibiotics for lymes, Stella's test results came back negative. No lymes. Unfortunately during this time, Stella's right knee had become swollen, so we were sent back to the clinic for more x-rays which showed fluid on the knee this time. Our pediatrician began to wonder, could this be arthritis?
We were still going through the "watch and see" process, when Stella's pain moved from her right knee to her right ankle. This took her from walking with a limp, to not walking at all. Let me tell you, it's frightening to see your two year old go from a running, happy, energetic little girl, to a child shrieking in pain and unable to walk at all! This new problem was a sign to our pediatrician that we desperately needed to see a specialist. We needed to stop with all the testing, and we needed to move forward with getting a diagnosis from someone who knew more about this than we did. The time was now!
Of course we were told by our clinic that we would be able to get in to see a specialist that same week, but when I called the UW Childrens's Hospital, the story was a little different. We couldn't get in until the next week on Wednesday. That gave us ten days to try and control this little one with ibuprofen alone. Fear washed over me at that point. I didn't know how I was going to control my daughter's pain enough, love on my other children enough, take care of myself enough. Then this feeling of peace overcame everything, and I thought, now's the time to pray. We have been given ten extra days to pray, and to seek the One who created this precious little being.
Pray was exactly what we did. Several of us gathered and prayed over Stella, and even though it didn't take away what was happening, it felt good. It felt to me like I was finally able to pass the control over. It was like a "Jesus, take the wheel" moment.
Last Wednesday we were finally able to go to the UW Children's Hospital. Unfortunately, we received no answers, and had a really disappointing experience. We're not stopping there though. Our pediatrician has been wonderful, and she wants to fight for us. She was able to get in contact with a rheumatologist from Iowa City who told us exactly what labs to draw here so that we can hopefully get in to see her there. We had our last lab done yesterday, and hopefully will hear something soon.
All of this has made me think a lot about control. We all go through tough stuff in our lives, but if you aren't in a relationship with Jesus, who or what do you give the control to? How do you not feel so so lost without Him and His love that you don't just turn and run to Him? I'm not going to lie, this whole thing has really tested my relationship with Jesus, but not once has it ever made me question His love for me. I know He's got it all under control.
Two things stuck out to me today in my Bible readings. I'll leave you with them...
2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
2 Corinthians 12:10 That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
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| Me and Stella on a good day. Watching Bucky Badger at the Benton Labor Day parade. |
